I am such an idiot! Truly! In prison I was one for the declarative statement – “Never will I ever…”
I said this about dating. I would never get involved in a relationship again! I had killed my partner and been sentenced to life imprisonment. How the hell would I ever explain that to a new partner? How do you answer the question -“How did your last relationship end?”
I figured that when I told anybody that I liked that they would run a mile – or more over, if they didn’t run a mile they must be crazy so I should be the one getting on my toes. I worried about the imbalance and ironically, my vulnerability. If a future partner even made an allegation in the heat of the moment I would be recalled to prison and likely be caught up in that machine for a few years. Similarly, if my new partner had kids or a vindictive ex I would be screwed if they made allegations.
Then there was the guilt – I had killed my partner – how the hell could I think I deserve a second chance at love? No, relationships were a thing of my past. That was it – a monk’s life for me!
But then Miley got out – and started a relationship. I had met Miley in the Healthy Relationships Programme – a 6 month intensive CBT course. Miley was all loved up – the pair of them visited me in prison and all seemed to be going well. But Miley and I had made a prison pact – we would challenge each other and enforce accountability. Miley’s partner had started drinking a little more heavily – then there was some name calling, followed by apologies. Miley waited for sober times and had open conversations. He expressed his feelings. There was some improvement – but short lived. So Miley ended the relationship.
What this showed me was that our CBT had equipped us with the skills and tools to make better choices and to manage our emotions. Miley has since met a new lady, she too visited me in prison. Since I’ve been out I’ve had great times with them and they have a fantastic relationships. Incidentally- Miley recently got engaged and asked me to be his best man – but there’s a big fuck of a hole in my speech as there are no P’s allowed. Porn. Prison. Probation. That will make for a creative back story – but I’ll be fine – I was never one for letting the truth ruin a good story!
Anyway, so seeing Miley navigate relationships made me realise I had made a fundamental mistake. I should never rule out relationships – rather I should rule out toxic relationships! I knew what a healthy relationship should look like and I just knew I would have to be strict and not compromise.
Working in the community for 3 years, facing the public, and being a modest, charming and attractive man meant I started to speak to women who didn’t work in prison. I never dated while still in prison – rather I waited until I was paroled.
That was new for me – I no longer drink so my old means of meeting people as gone, so I signed up for online dating. Probation were not overly impressed – naturally and there are a few threads that will follow from this blog. One is that being completely open with probation is the way forward, but that changes to situation and attitude will attract consequences. But I digress, I Bumbled, Hinged and Tindered my way into a few dates. I had coffees, walks, galleries and was abandoned in Milton Keynes! I was sent a dick pic by Sabrina who was on a trans journey – I was glad that she had found her way, but I told her that it was going to be a journey without me. Especially when her dick was fucking huge! Talk about emasculated!
But I met somebody. A very special somebody. That’s another episode – but in all my years of writing my blog – I never thought that my future partner would read it as a way of making a decision about whether to go on a third date with me….
There have been many more since…
