While completing the Healthy Relationship Programme in prison I swore off relationships. I just saw imbalance and risk – if a future partner even made an allegation in temper I would be recalled – or the threat of an allegation could be coercive. It seemed practical and sensible to me – and anyway, I had killed my partner to end up in prison, so who in their right mind would date me?
Then I was paroled and made a significant observation. It wasn’t relationships that were the problem, rather it was being in toxic relationships that had been the issue. Suddenly I was open to the prospect of meeting somebody, but with some major safeguarding in place. I reflected on the changes I had made in prison, the new skills and tools and checked out some dating apps.
There are a few directions this blog could go, but suffice to say that after mishap and adventure I met somebody and I’m in a relationship. Now when I came out of prison, with new skills and attitude I thought I had it together. I think it remarkable that I am still finding new perspectives daily.
In past relationships I always tried to find the calm waters. I shied away from difficult conversations. They made me uncomfortable and acknowledging them would be to admit there were problems in the relationship. It was a short sighted view and this inactivity led to my killing my partner. One of the most tragic aspects of this is that a tiny amount of honesty and effort would have saved a life.
In my current relationship my partner often asks, “Can we talk about something pointy?” This is code for “There’s something causing me concern.” What I appreciate most is there is no demand, no expectation that we must talk it out there and then. Rather, can we make some time and space to have a conversation. I like these pointy conversations very much. And here’s why.
I used to think that my partner expressing concerns was criticism, that I was failing. But now, I see raising concerns as risk assessing – she is future proofing our relationship. It tells me that she is invested in our future and wants us to be aware of potential pitfalls! It shows she cares deeply.
But it’s not always easy. My partner asks some pretty tough questions. She asked me if I reminded her of the woman I killed. She asked if I was gaslighting her – or if I was gaslighting myself. She asked if I still get angry. She asked if I’m narcissistic. She has asked about previous relationships and behaviours. I have been an emotionally stunted, people pleasing, narcissistic, passive aggressive awfuliser. A perpetually put upon victim. And this is key – I HAVE been these things. For my partner, she is assured because I have identified that I have these traits and that I have effected (and evidenced) real and lasting changes to my behaviours and my beliefs.
My partner has read this entire blog, my sentencing comments, my parole dossier, my direction for release and my licence conditions. She has employed a forensic approach when asking pointy questions and I welcome it. She challenges me to examine myself and to ensure that I am not becoming complacent. I wouldn’t have it any other way. If there is an area of discomfort I face in to it now. I know the consequence of apathy.
