Well I have to tell you that this is a story that was told to me and was purported to have happened on one of the wings of the local prison which I started my time. However, in the intervening years I have heard variations of the story from as far afield as Northumberland, Bristol, Nottingham, London and as many prisons as you care to name. But like many legends, there must be a kernel of truth somewhere in those animals of prison history and it is for that reason I relay the story on to you. And anyway, what’s the point in ruining a good story with the truth?
It was a normal Tuesday on H wing. The wing had been unlocked for about 30 minutes’ people were going about their business. One man, waist wrapped in a towel after his shower returned to his cell. Now while there are doubtlessly gay men in prison, most opt to keep that fact to themselves. However, the man in the towel had no compunctions about anybody knowing his sexuality. He was gay and unashamed. He was neither vilified nor lauded -just another bloke doing his bird -sorry, time.
But on this Tuesday there were rumblings a-rumbling and trouble was on the horizon. The previously towel wrapped gay man was now dried and mostly dressed. He wore a sweater, jeans and socks – but had no footwear – no trainers.
“People better not wind me up today. I’m in no humour for it!”, he exclaimed from the landing. “Whoever has hidden my trainers had better return them pronto!”, He turned on his sock covered heel and walked back into his cell. The comers and goers on the landing shrugged their shoulders then continued their comings and goings. A few minutes later the man without footwear reappeared on the landing. His face was red, his voice increased an octave as he made a fresh exclamation, “I’m not joking here lads. Whoever took my trainers needs to get them back to me now!” If there had been a joke, this man had long passed the funny side. He glared around the wing before returning to his cell.
Still there was no move to return his missing trainers. It was 10 minutes or so later that the man reappeared on the landing. One might have expected that his face would have turned to Brimstone and that his voice would have become even more strained – but one would have been wrong. He appeared calm and demure and took a deep breath before he delivered the following in a rich and steady voice.
“My fellow residents, may I have your attention for just a moment please.” Heads turned towards the speaker as he continued, “as you may or may not be aware, and item of my property has gone missing from my cell, specifically, a pair of blue Adidas trainers. I would be most appreciative if whoever has taken them would be kind enough to return them to me.”
He was being very reasonable. He continued, “to save embarrassing the individual who I believe has been playing an unfortunate prank, I am now going to make a phone call which should take me all of about 15 minutes. During that time, I expect that my trainers will magically reappear in my cell and nothing more will happen.”
The man paused briefly as you reach behind his waist and produced a sheet of folded A4 paper from his jeans back pocket. He continued, with one eyebrow raised and a hint of a sneaky smile, “However, if I return in 15 minutes and find that my trainers are not back in my cell I will be pinning this (holding aloft the piece of folded paper) to the main noticeboard by the pool table.”
There were shrugging’s from the watching crowd. “So what?”, thought they, “you’ll stick a bit of paper to a board. Is that meant to scare us?”
As if reading their minds, the man continued, “In case you’re wondering, this sheet of paper contains a list of names, the names of many men on this wing. The names of the butch men who sneak into my cell when nobody else is watching, the men that pay me tobacco for blow jobs! Well every single one of you will be outed if I don’t get my trainers back!” The last was a damning declaration.
With that the man turned and made his way down the stairs towards the phones. When he returned 15 minutes later he was somewhat confused. His trainers had returned, along with 2 other pairs he had never seen before, 4 T-shirts and myriad other items.
The list was never revealed.
