I was asked recently how I reacted to getting a life sentence, which really got me thinking. I realised that I am still reacting to it – it truly is a Life Sentence.
By the time I had come to prison I had told the police I had killed my partner. I knew (and pretty quickly got my head around the fact) that I would be spending a substantial number of years in prison. When I finished with the judicial process I left court with my Life Sentence and the tariff I would have to serve before I could even start to apply for parole. I all but wrote off my life outside of prison and put my mind into semi-hibernation as I set about serving time.
As an articulate and literate man I was able to support the huge number of lads that struggled with the written word and this became my coping mechanism. I was the #1 on the induction wing and first night centre where I avoided facing my own demons because I busied myself helping others.
My routine was unlocking at 8am, manning the Prisoner Information Desk (PID) until inductions at 9-00. At 10am I’d visit the Shelter office and give them the list of last night’s arrivals before I’d have a coffee with Vinney / Jay / Liam / Vinney / Jeremy / Sully / Vinney – the characters that passed through that window varied as one was released and another stepped into the breach. Vinney was a frequent flier – model prisoner but a terror in society. At 11am I’d help out as diets were served on the wing until lunchtime lock up when I would lie on my bunk, watch TV and doze fitfully.
1pm at unlock I would man the desk again. At 2pm I would head off to sort photocopying to ensure that the wing’s supply of Application Forms (Apps) was replenished and collect the towels etc. that would be needed for new arrivals. At 3pm I would head to the gym – one perk was that I and Vinney / Jay / Liam / Vinney / Jeremy / Sully / Vinney got to go to the induction gym session everyday – ostensibly in case any of the new arrivals needed some help or support. At 4pm it was time for Diets again, then at 5-30 the wing was locked up again – except for me & Vinney / Jay / Liam / Vinney / Jeremy / Sully / Vinney who would use the showers and then staff the PID and ‘welcome’ the new guests.
In fairness, when we started the PID, there was a marked decrease in violence on the induction wing and throughout the prison. This was attributed to the Peer-to-peer support that men experienced as they landed. As a result, the Governing Governor insisted that every new arrival be greeted by us at the PID before they were locked up for the night. All that meant was we were on the PID until after 8pm most nights and on a few occasions, past 11pm.
Once the last lad was tucked in, Vinney / Jay / Liam / Vinney / Jeremy / Sully / Vinney and I were locked up which was time for me to have a few smokes as I prepared my to-do list for the next day before hitting the bed. This was the most difficult time of the day for me, my demons would try to bubble up and demand attention when I was alone, but I would eventually fall asleep watching whatever crap was on the TV. I woke up three years later when I was rewarded for my exemplary conduct by having my risk profiled reviewed and having my status reduced from B-Cat to C-Cat.
I regard my Life Sentence like doing a ‘Channel Swim’. If I had looked up for the coast of France I think I would have drowned. I was in the water and I just kept my head down and kept swimming. I had managed to serve 1,000 days in tiny increments without really changing, except for a variety of moustaches, hair lengths and a sun-deprived grey pallor that illustrated the passage of time.
As I left my 170 year old Victorian prison I felt terrified, I was perhaps as scared leaving the place as I was arriving there. For all its overbearing menace and Dickensian bleakness, it had been ‘Home’ for three years – I guess it was a case of ‘The Devil you know.’ My Wiltshire C-Cat – and rehabilitation – awaited me.
