I need some help. I left prison determined to make amends and to make a difference. I have a fairly rare skill set – Lord knows I wish I didn’t, but I am where I am.
My probation officer recently complimented me. Well I think they did? They noted that I had the ability to reflect dispassionately on my offence and my mistakes. That I could dissociate from events and at the same time, never minimise my responsibilities for my actions.
My friends and work colleagues have generally appreciated my candour in sharing my mistakes – many of them come to me when they face a dilemma. Perhaps the word most commonly used to describe me is ‘authentic’ – but don’t get me wrong, plenty of people call me a scum bag, coward, wife beater and murderer. That’s their prerogative.
But for me, I know that I am most effective speaking about my offence and how I was able to rationalise lousy decisions. I’ve reflected on my life and am still identifying the roots of many of my patterns of behaviour, the reason why some things are so damned triggering. On a side note, I was with my partner recently and while we cooked I had a music streaming service in the background. Music has ever been a comfort to me – I hadn’t considered why. But as is my want, I made request after request – everything from Neil Young, to Linda Ronatadt, Dr. Hook to Leonard Cohen. An eclectic bunch and my partner asked me how I knew these songs. I answered matter of factly, “I grew up around this music.” But as I said it I suddenly had an insight. “When music played at home, it was calm. Safe.” When my childhood home was quiet there was always a tension, an underlying anger and the potential for an explosion, which meant I grew up with a hair trigger fight or flight response. Now none of my childhood excuses my crime and my bad decisions, but it certainly goes some way to explaining why I sometimes reacted as I did.
As I share these insights, its remarkable how many people identify with them and relate to them. While in prison I helped hundreds of people to challenge long held beliefs and behaviours – by showing through honest reflection that I was doing it. I continue to share these insights in my work, as a Personal Trainer, as a coach and as a support worker. But I want to do more.
I need to be able to speak to groups, but my offence makes that so challenging for people to offer me a platform. I have an option here, I can just fade away and build a life for myself with my partner. We have spoken about my publicly speaking about my offence, about domestic violence, about prison and rehabilitation. We have spoken about the impact it would have on her and her relationships with family, friends and work colleagues. But as she pointed out, there is nobody she knows who can speak my story. Her courage inspires me.
My partner told me the tale of the child who saw a million starfish washed up on a beach. When she went to put them back in the sea an adult said forget it, you can’t save a million starfish. The child said “Well I can save this one”. I may not change the world, but I know that my raising awareness and sharing my mistakes can save at least one victim of violence.
Will somebody give me a platform?
