If the move from B-Cat to C-Cat was a shock, then the move to Open Prison was surreal – and it still is in many ways. Perhaps the most impactful lesson relates to perspectives.
I landed in Open Prison during a National Lockdown, so the Release On Temporary Licence (ROTL) that allows men to be gradually reintegrated to society was not available. This was where the perspective difference occurred. Men who had been here pre-Covid were angry and resentful. They had tasted the temporary freedoms and felt aggrieved, noting the restrictions that they faced. However, I and many like me that arrived during / post Covid, marvelled at the freedoms we enjoyed compared to closed conditions.
It was tough during December 2020 when cases of Covid were diagnosed among the prison staff and population. Units were put in lockdown measures that restricted interactions – but we could still spend time outside of our cells and even in the outside air. I kept myself busy and occupied with three modules of Open University work. My new deadline was September 2021 – I wanted to complete the third and final year of my degree at Oxford Brookes University. But once again, the Gods laughed as I made plans.
As a Lifer, there are a number of checks that must be completed before I can access ROTL, lessons learned from Skull Crackers, Black Cab rapists and myriad others are applied to review processes. While there are no fences here, it is still first and foremost a prison and the safety of the public is the first priority in all decision making. In my case, despite my previous exemplary conduct and good reputation in previous prisons, I was another lifer here – the prison saw only risk.
My progression towards ROTL was slow and stumbling. It seemed like I was discovering new obstacles that would one day be named after me. Once again the delays started to mount up from days and weeks into months and I am now thankful for those delays, as they have led me to change my plans and direction once again. Perhaps I have been saved from another mistake.
In closed conditions I had set a goal of achieving a degree in university before my parole. With the delays in ROTL it looked like I might not make sufficient progress to be approved to attend University for the start of term. Once again I was finding sleep difficult so I set about problem solving – and it came to me.
My goal is achieving my degree before parole – so why not just complete it with the Open University? That way I can remove the deadline that is upsetting me – an obstacle over which I have little or no control. In hindsight, this work around is so obvious.
If I were to attend Oxford Brookes it would be as a fulltime student. I would get my degree, but struggle for money. But thanks to the delays, I will still achieve my degree in Summer 2022, while also being able to work fulltime in the community. I will start to build a nest egg to help me with accommodation and building a life outside.
From the beginning I regarded my Life Sentence as a ‘Channel Swim’. If I had looked up for the coast of France I think I would have drowned. I was in the water and I just kept my head down and kept swimming. As I was approved for open prison although I still didn’t look up, I started to hear the crying of seagulls as I approached land (society) once again. During this last leg of my Life Sentence I am finally looking up – I can see the coastline on the horizon and it is frightening. Time is running out!
This is the most testing part of my sentence – after years of sheltered living one could be overwhelmed with variety. There are so many more opportunities to make bad decisions. The contraband items, the drugs, phones and alcohol are more readily available – and like any free market economy, due to the preponderance of supply, they are far more affordable (that’s for my pal Tom H who loves a minority word and capitalism! One of the highlights of my sentence was picturing a particular kanga’s face when Tom commented that he was employing a parsimonious attitude to a situation).
The best way I can describe this stage of my life sentence is to use another analogy. The moment I arrived in open prison is like the moment when the Armstrong et al.’s lunar module broke the bonds of gravity and jettisoned the launch tanks. Now is the time to take the controls and steer. I still have the support of staff (my Cape Canaveral) but ultimately whether or not I succeed all falls on me – and failure is not an option. If I mess up I will be swagged back to closed conditions, with a ‘do not pass go!’
However I am well prepared now. Throughout my sentence I have learned much, but the single greatest skill or tool I have developed is my ability to manage my emotions. I don’t see ‘No’ as a setback that makes me have a tantrum and self-sabotage. I meet adversity with a smile, view ‘No’ as a dare and always look for the opportunity in a knock back.
I approach this stage of my sentence with solemnity, gratitude and a deep sense of responsibility. Unlike my victim, I have a second chance at life. Whether or not I deserve it is for a power far higher than me to determine, it is incumbent on me to live the best life that I can.
Although I have just realised that parole will be the fourth of the three stages of my Life Sentence. What will that story look like?
