Ah Milton Keynes… it’s actually a place! And the root of much trauma for me. I was abandoned there, and although it’s a painful memory for me, I’m going to share it with you. There’s a lesson (isn’t there always?).
So I had been on dating apps and had a couple of dates. I’m not a drinker and I wasn’t after anything casual – so it was mostly coffees, walks, galleries and the like. All very pleasant – but nothing that would have made me make any disclosure – let me explain.
I had killed my partner before I went to prison. Aside from it being morally right and proper, it’s a licence condition that I must tell probation if I am starting or ending any intimate relationships. But at what point does a relationship become intimate? At which point do I tell somebody about my crime? There was no clear cut definition from probation, so I relied on my own judgment. I decided that any potential partner would need to know before we slept together, that was for sure. Then I reasoned that on date number 2 (if there was one) would be the time I would have to start The Conversation.
So, by this time there had been no date 2 and therefore no date 3. I had told a couple of dates that I had been to prison – there were various reasons. Either I just wasn’t in to them and I figured it would be an easy way to exit the date. Or I wasn’t in to them as a partner, but there was a level of discourse that could be achieved by sharing my past in order to share a reflective experience. But in principle, I was cagey about telling people I had committed a murder.
Then I started chatting to a girl who lived in Milton Keynes (MK). We had good chemistry and good humour. We spoke at a fair depth about relationships, wants, ambitions and the like. We agreed to meet for a date. She suggested a Sunday morning at a park near MK – I explained that I didn’t drive, no problem said she, we could meet at the bus depot and head for a coffee then a walk. That seemed OK – but MK was a trek for me. We were on the phone one evening beforehand and I said I needed to tell her something. I said that it might make a big difference to her wanting to meet me. She interrupted me and told me that she also had something to tell me, that some potential partners had found difficult. But she insisted that we not ruin the moment – we should meet in person and then talk things through. I allowed myself to be talked in to this – I didn’t listen to my instincts.
So Sunday morning I make the 2 hour commute to MK and sure enough she meets me at the bus depot. We drive a few miles to a coffee shop – she has her wee Yorkshire Terrier with her. We have a coffee and a chat, the dog likes me – all is good. We jump back in the car and head to the park & lake. We head off around the path and after 5 minutes I pointed out that all was going well – but we needed to have The Conversation. She asked if she could go first. I motioned for her to carry on and she explained ‘I work with the police.’
Well how do you like that? Now I’m not anti-police as such. Im not one for generalising. I’m anti-wanker – but that extends to all walks of life. But in this case, her working for the police would mean she would have to declare our relationship – and that would not be approved. She must have read my face, because she said “You’re going to tell me that you’ve been to prison, aren’t you?”
“That’s why I wanted to have this conversation with you before meeting up.” I replied.
“Well, what was your offence? How long ago was it? Maybe it doesn’t have to be declared?” She was hopeful.
“Oh it’s declarable” I said “I killed somebody.” I think I was shook, else wise I wouldn’t have been quite so blunt. But she took a sharp step backwards and brought a hand to her chest. “But you don’t look like you could do that…” I could see her head spinning. I’ve since reflected and it must be unnerving for somebody to be in that position, that their instincts haven’t picked up on that? Like the people who smile and thank me if I offer them a seat on a bus or hold open a door. If only they knew…
But anyway, the girl was shocked – but her wee dog kept demanding attention from me – he didn’t care. I thought I should speak. “Would it be easier for you if I got a taxi back to the bus depot?” I asked assuming she would say it’s fine, she’d drop me back. How wrong was I?
“Yes” that’s all she said. I apologised and turned to head back to the car park. I started to Google taxis and dial numbers. There were zero taxis in this area on a Sunday morning. Oops! I got the old maps up and sought directions – 4.5 miles!!!!
The headphones went in and I started walking. All in all it was a 9 hour round trip to be abandoned in MK! But there was a great lesson here. Something that I have embraced ever since. Listen to my instincts and have the difficult conversation.
Three days after being abandoned I had what has been my final first date. On that date I told her that I had been to prison for more than 10 years. That it wasn’t for parking fines. I told her that if we met again I would tell her everything. She actually smiled as she said, that she appreciated my being upfront. She also said it made sense now that somebody as tall, good-looking, charming, talented, attentive and intelligent was single. OK – she may not have said any of that – but she did say it made sense why I had been single for 12 years.
On date number 2 I told her about my offence and how I had changed. I told her about this blog and that I would answer any questions that she had.
It was terrifying for both of us. But there was one upside. I had told her the very worst of me, the lowest part of me. After that, I had nothing I ever needed to lie about. Since then, when there is something challenging to speak about, we make the time and lean in to it.
We have ‘Pointy’ conversations – and I’ll share some of those in the future. But the old me would have steered away from topics that were difficult or might weaken my relationship – when in fact, papering over the cracks and burying my head in the sand should have been the warning that the relationship was ultimately doomed. This guy, today, runs towards the problems to face up to them. The more that we have done so, the stronger we have become. We have two simple rules, we don’t lie to each other and we don’t withhold our feelings.
Ironically, my partner and I went to Milton Keynes for her works Christmas Party – and I wasn’t abandoned. She fixed my trauma!
