Here’s another in the ‘My Prison Journey’ series.
“Don’t feed a Stray Dog.”
I was surprised that the majority of prisoners didn’t want to know what I was in for. As it turned out they didn’t have to ask me about it. They either read the papers or checked my name on ‘Google’ via a smuggled mobile phone. Their only real concern was that I wasn’t a nonce, bacon or grass. As long as I didn’t have charges relating to sex offences or I hadn’t provided evidence against anybody else I had ‘made the cut’.
Of the hundreds of questions that I faced while serving time in a UK prison the two most common were:
“Have you got a burn (cigarette) Lad?” and “Will you spare us a coffee mate?”
It was in the very early part of my sentence, certainly within the first week or two, that my cell mate intervened on my behalf and gave me two fantastic pieces of advice. They apply to life in general – not just life in prison.
Whenever I was asked for burn (tobacco), sugar, coffee or anything else I would fumble around for excuses and make clumsy apologies. If my petitioner was persistent I would usually cave in and give them something to get them off my case.
On one particular day I had been approached by a ‘bag-head’ (or smack-head – a drug addict) and asked for burn. I was quite proud of myself as I stood my ground and said no to the tobacco, but through clever negotiation I instead gave him a few sachets of sugar. Now I considered this to be a win as I didn’t personally use sugar and had therefore fobbed the guy off with something that was useless to me. I was so proud that I felt I should tell my pad mate all about my achievement. To say that I was underwhelmed by his response would be an understatement.
“You’re a fuckin mug Moose!”
“ ? ” I replied.
“You’ve left the door open there lad. When you gave him something, it gave him licence to come back to you again. I’m telling you now Moose, that guy has identified you as a soft touch. When you feed a stray dog – you own a dog.” Like any good advice it is succinct, irrefutable and pretty damn obvious once you hear it.
“Next time some bag-head asks you for something – just say no, then shut your mouth. Believe me, they are used to being knocked-back, they won’t take offence Moose. It’s a numbers game for them. They ask twenty people hoping that they might get one soft touch like you along the way. Not only that, but when you give them anything they will come back and try again, if they get nothing they won’t bother coming back. I bet you knew which houses to knock on and which ones to avoid at Halloween when you were a kid – well these bag-heads are the same.”
In the many years since I have relied on my pad-mates advice. There is no intention to be rude or demeaning, but just saying no is empowering. It’s a critical life skill considering many lads in prison are here because they got talked into something or didn’t have the will to say no when it mattered.
The concept of saying ‘No’ was developed when I was introduced to the concept of Mindfulness. A couple of years ago I read a book by Haemin Sunim entitled “The things we see only when we slow down” and among the many pearls on offer I found another quote on this theme, another maxim that has served me well.
“When you are asked to do something, determine if you can do it. If you cannot, then decline as soon as possible, the way in a restaurant you would send back the wrong order. If you don’t send it back immediately, you will have to pay for it.”
It is not only important to say ‘No’, but to do so in a timely manner. But what was the second piece of advice I mentioned at the top of this blog on life in a British prison?
Well, when my pad-mate was berating me for my naivety I tried to defend myself by sharing some of the arguments that my petitioner had used on me. I explained:
“But we’re all in this together aren’t we? I mean we’re all prisoners – we have to look out for each other. Don’t we?”
“Ah Moose, for somebody who sounds like such a clever lad you really haven’t got a clue. Did you ever see a rich man say that ‘We’re all in this together’? The only people who say that are the people who want something you have – it’s rarely ever because they have anything they want to share with you. Now next time some bag-head comes here asking for anything you say ‘No’ and then shut the fuck up. Don’t speak, no matter how tempted or compelled you are to make excuses. ‘No’ is the one and only word you use, got it?”
I did get it. Furthermore, when did I employ it, the lad who had come begging turned and walked away. I smiled about three seconds later when I heard the lad I had refused knock at the cell next to mine and ask the lads inside for the same thing. He received another simple ‘No’.
“Don’t feed a stray dog.”
