I always maintained that I didn’t care what anybody thought about me. And I believed it! I can scarcely comprehend how I could have convinced myself that I was so independently minded when the truth of the matter is that I was a compulsive people pleaser. I was addicted to approval.
Being in prison has helped me to identify and address this character flaw – I’m far more resilient now. But in my younger years I couldn’t bear it if somebody didn’t like me. I would go out of my way to be nice to them, I’d demonstrate generosity – whatever it took. At the same time I would comment on, and benefit from similar behaviours in others. When somebody tried to please me it would actually make me think less of them – while I would accept whatever benefit I could from their efforts I would think of them as being weak for needing approval. All the while idiot boy here would become the pleaser in another situation – embodying all of those traits that I would deride.
I hated saying no and that got me in so much trouble. My partner would make plans for Saturday – fine. My boss would ask me to work at Saturday – fine. My mate would ask me to help them out on Saturday – no problem. So Friday night I would go out on a binge and turn my phone off, I wouldn’t turn the phone back on until Late Saturday night when it was too late to do anything. In a weird way, rather than make a decision and potentially let some people down I would shirk the decision and let everybody down. Then over the following week I would make the huge gestures needed to try and make amends!
In my life I have had a number of long term relationships. Two of these relationships were toxic – and I am ashamed that I was physically and emotionally abusive to both of these partners. Of the many unhelpful patterns of behaviour that I have since identified, I want to address being a pleaser and making grand gestures.
On one occasion my partner came home and while she was taking her coat off she mentioned that she would have to call her friend back – her phone had rung while she was driving and she wasn’t able to answer. She made a coffee, lit a cigarette and dialled her friend.
I saw an opportunity for brownie points so I grabbed the keys and headed off to Halfords where I purchased and installed a hands free phone kit in her car for about £300. When I came back a few hours later my partner wasn’t in the best of moods, but ignorant to that I persuaded her to come out to the car where I showed her what I had done with a great flourish and a tad-aah!
Man, she got so pissed off – and rightly so – but wanker boy here, rather than try to understand her perspective, got doubly pissed off in return. How dare she? Doesn’t she realise how much this has cost? Why isn’t she grateful for this great thing I did for her?
In my head I had decided that this would be a great gesture and I would be a hero. I’d never stopped to consider the shelves that had been bought 6 months ago and still weren’t fixed to the wall. I never thought about the dishwasher that wasn’t emptied or any other of a thousand things that she had asked me for help with. Why would I listen to the person I loved and do the things that mattered to them when I could be an utter twat and Walter Mitty a scenario, while blowing £300 because of one missed phone call?
During my abusive relationships I have proposed, gotten married, moved house and quit jobs to ‘fix’ the most serious problems we encountered. I have spent fortunes on gifts rather than pay bills. I even had a vasectomy to demonstrate my commitment. This was my pattern. I didn’t discuss or consult. I planned the elaborate gesture and imagined the response as if it were set in stone. If that response didn’t happen as I imagined I would become furious and blame my partner for a lack of empathy and understanding.
I think that is what I find most alarming – at the time I truly believed that my behaviour was both reasonable and rational. I thought I was being loving and romantic while fulfilling my partners’ needs.
I wanted to be the hero that she would brag to her friends about – I wanted everybody to know how sweet and supportive a guy I was. But why would I need this endorsement? In prison I met Malcolm X who said, “In order to be accepted by others, we must first prove acceptable to ourselves.” In reality, I should have been focusing on the fact that I didn’t like myself very much.
That’s what prison made me realise. I have had the time to reflect on my life with clarity and without filters. During my abusive past, while I may have appeared outwardly confident, I was actually tormented with insecurities. By securing external endorsement for my behaviours, I wouldn’t have to deal with the internal conflict I was feeling. If other people liked me then surely I must be a good person? Rather than face up to and change the things I didn’t like about myself I sought approval from others. And like a junkie, without a ‘fix’ of approval, my behaviour would become more desperate and unpredictable.
My life has shown me that I have had the ability to believe that I was behaving reasonably while I was being abusive, irrational and violent. However, having identified and accepted the existence of these and many other flaws in my old behaviours I can put the mechanisms and strategies in place to ensure that I don’t repeat these mistakes again.
Prison has taught me to be assertive. I no longer obsess about disappointing people. When I need to I just say the word ‘no’ – I don’t apologise or prevaricate. I think that came from Haemin Sunim’s teachings on Mindfulness. He suggested that when you need to say no, do it quickly, like you would if the wrong dish was brought to you in a restaurant. If you don’t refuse quickly, you may not enjoy the meal – but you will end up paying for it!
