Allegations have been made and tension abounds. It appears that we have a midnight snacker – which of itself is not a problem. However, our night prowler is eating other people’s food (allegedly).
It started with a shake of a milk carton in the fridge and the confident assertion of “there was more in this carton when I put it in the fridge” – well you can’t really argue with that type of scientific reasoning. But like the Salem witch-hunts, the phenomena spread.
“Somebody has been in my butter. I know that because I scrape butter from the tub, but somebody has gouged it out here.”
“Somebody has been in my cheese. I know that because I always re-wrap it with the fold down – and this time the fold is up.”
It seems to me that most of the follow up claims are merely a means of engendering solidarity – a defence mechanism of sorts, i.e. “Don’t accuse me of nicking your stuff – I’ve been a victim here too and I share your outrage”. Oh ye men of reason and logic.
But that’s not to say that food hasn’t been nicked and it was pointed out to me that taking a bit of food was in many ways worse than stealing all of it. The example quoted was grated cheese and I was asked to imagine how I would feel if I knew that the cheese I was eating had been raided by somebody else – and that that somebody else was a grotty creature that walked around with his hand down his boxer shorts all day and never washed?
Not very good I conceded. But that led neatly onto the investigative stage of the conspiracy – who was (were) the thief(s)? In fairness all imagination seemed to die here – it was either the fat guys, or the dirty blokes, or the one’s that didn’t socialise or that bloke who is always prowling around at night and stays in bed all day.
So the bonhomie of the Euro’s has expired. A wing of grown arsed men has somehow evolved into a pre-pubescent playground of snide comments, and pouting cliques.
Like my nation of birth, I do my very best to remain neutral. In the early days this actually made me more attractive to moaners – I used to try to ameliorate – to mediate between parties or offer perspectives. But being the Devil’s advocate is a thankless task. I have learned to augment my neutrality with practised ambivalence. But how does the Moose navigate this quagmire? Well it’s actually quite simple – here’s my 3 word technique.
“Somebody has nicked food!”
I’m not interested.
“Somebody has left the microwave in a state!”
I’m not interested.
“John and Tom had a fight over Gym sessions”
I’m not interested.
“Bill said you are a grass”
I’m not interested.
If you want to do drugs, smuggle phones, make hooch or extort from each other, just you crack on. I’m not interested. As long as whatever you are doing does not cross my cell door I say ‘Fill your boots lads.” Even better if you use a tiny bit of common sense – and keep it to yourself. That way I know nothing and when you inevitably get caught – you won’t be able to accuse me of snitching on you.
