Thinking Errors
When it is finally my time to sit in front of a parole board I will be asked a number of deep probing questions to determine if I can be safely managed in the community. I will be judged based on my criminal record, my general conduct in prison and how well I have addressed my offending behaviours.
Early on in my sentence, my first offender supervisor offered me some sage counsel. He told me that being a model prisoner was not enough in itself to secure progression. The parole board might very well compliment me on staying out of trouble throughout my sentence, but when they ask “What would be different, if we granted you parole and you found yourself in a similar situation?” I would have no answer for them – unless I had made some drastic changes to my life. The means to make and to demonstrate these changes is through Offending Behavioural Programs.
These programmes or interventions are usually run by psychology teams in certain prisons. They can be group based, one-to-one or most often are combination of the two. They can last for weeks or months and are often highly charged and emotive sessions. One of the high-intensity programs I undertook lasted for over 5 months and in total I clocked up in excess of 350 hours of single or group sessions before the programme was completed.
I don’t think anybody likes these programs. One exercise involved each of us writing an autobiography which was read out in front of 9 other prisoners two therapists/facilitators before the group delivered feedback. It is never nice to realise that long-held beliefs have been flawed. All my years of excuses, my rationalising, blame shifting and minimising were exposed and suddenly something remarkable happened – I finally began to accept total responsibility for my life and my actions; for my crime and for so much more besides. You know the old clichés -I’m not a racist, but… I’m not judgemental, but… In my case the ‘but’ were about qualifying my admissions – “I never meant to offend anybody, but…”. I spend most days in recovery now, trying to stay clean of the ‘but’.
This is all been brought back to mind by the ongoing lockdown here in the prison. Some of the lads are getting a little bit tetchier than usual – the more concentrated confinement is exacerbating pre-existing tensions. I generally don’t get involved, it’s a bit of a playground for me with shifting allegiances and interchangeable best friends. However, I have been overhearing some comments which are textbook examples of the Thinking Errors that I learned about through programs. I recognise them because I once lived a life riddled by them, and I still have to check myself every once in a while to make sure I’m not slipping back into bad habits.
Thinking Error – Should & Must
‘People should stop playing loud music after 8 PM.’ Fair enough – but why? First off, why 8 PM? Second, what is ‘loud music’, i.e. what is the precise decibel level at which music is classed as loud? Third, is the music only loud if it is by an artist you don’t like?
‘People should be respectful and have the courtesy to say hello and they walk past you!’ Why, because you are a friendly, gregarious extrovert?
The error here is thinking that your beliefs and values at the correct ones and that everybody should agree with you. I was Mr Should’N’Must before I came to prison. Friends, partners and work colleagues were all judged by my own standards and values – but there was much greater flexibility in how I applied those standards to myself.
But when somebody didn’t behave as they should I invariably failed to deal with it. I wouldn’t act assertively and try to communicate with; I wouldn’t try to understand their perspectives and motivations. I would internalise my frustration and label them as ‘knowing exactly what they are doing’. What a fucking clown I was!
Perhaps the biggest ‘should’ in prison relates to ‘snitching’. There’s an old saying, ‘snitches get stitches’ that is bandied about on every wing in every prison. If you grass on somebody, expect to get yourself cut. I find it ironic that it’s the lads that are up to no good that live by this mantra. They are the bullies who make life miserable for so many people. They are the fucking clowns that hide something, like hooch or a mobile phone in a communal area that brings the heat on a whole wing. But they insist that it’s cons against screws and that people can’t snitch. I’ve seen an incident where 2 lads were sharing a cell where one of them had a mobile phone. When the security team found the phone it ended up that both lads got nicked and punished for it because the guy who owned it wouldn’t take responsibility and the other guy was afraid to snitch on him.
But now, given my new insights, what would I do in that situation?
Well I would have a chat with my padmate – as I have done in the past and explain that I don’t do anything dodgy and I’ve never had a nicking. If the lad wants to get up to mischief, but that’s his prerogative, but he will have to find another cell. If I found anything in my cell it would be straight down the bog.
And if security did find something in my cell, I’d hesitate not a jot as I pointed both hands and declared ‘Him there! He’s Spartacus!’
