I’ve been talking with a fellow inmate about life after prison and we both have differing views on what information we’d share with the world after parole.
When I am back in the community, should I be upfront about my conviction?
I enjoyed a brilliant discussion on this subject with a fellow Mandatory Lifer[1] named Paul. I find he is a great sounding board for me- we’re like-minded men. Both of us are first-time prisoners, both of us have navigated our sentences without any further trouble – we’ve never had “nicking’s” or adjudications. Both of us have been diligent and achieved numerous qualifications and we are both determined to make the best use of our time, regardless of whether or not it is in prison.
On a Tuesday morning in June 2019 we were both in the education building and were chatting about our rehabilitation and our future progression. Neither of us has any expectation that it will be easy or straightforward – nor should it be, but we had diametrically opposed views on how we should broach the subject of our imprisonment. What is the best course of action? Should we be upfront about our conviction or should we wait and test the waters before declaring our crime?
Paul and I had a lengthy, interesting debate on the matter – and I must add that it was all conducted in a calm, pro-social manner.
I felt that it might be best to be upfront and open from the outset. I believe that ultimately you will have to provide background and context to people. Now I am not talking about introducing myself at soirees by saying, “Hi, I’m Moose and I’ve just been released from prison – pleased to meet you.” I do not intend to shock people or make light of my crime.
There was a point that Paul concurred with, that certain people deserve to know the full truth at some stage. But he advocated a different approach where he would establish himself before making any declaration about his past. He maintained that it would be better if people got to know the Paul of today before finding out about the man who had committed a crime. His belief is that people will temper their initial reaction of fear and suspicion once they have gotten to know him as they calm and sensible bloke he is now.
All in all I can’t say that Paul is wrong. Neither of us has any real experience of facing the outside world as convicted murderers. In prison we are pretty much normal, just more prisoners. There isn’t that much distinction between different prisoners based on their offences. The staff and kangas that we meet don’t see us as our offences, they get to know us as individuals. As one governor said to me, “We are in the business of second chances here. I’m an advocate of the clean slate.” There was a quote from Oscar Wilde on her office wall which declared that, “Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.”
But when Paul, me and every other prisoner get out, our conviction marks us. So when is the right time to declare our past?
Paul contended that it would be best to get to know people first and only confide in those people that are really starting to become significant in his life. It would give him a chance to judge who might actually want to understand the facts that led to his offence rather than just run to grab the pitchforks. I can absolutely see the merit in his train of thought. In my own career I worked with hundreds of people, but there were only a select few that I would really confide in. Nobody really wants everybody to know all of their business.
But I feel that aiming for a phased revelation of my past is unrealistic. There are certain situations when I believe I will be indirectly declaring my offence before I even introduce myself.
- If I apply to a letting agency when I am looking for a flat, surely they will Google my name and check my (lack of) Social Media?
- If I apply for a job, my CV will contain all of the details that will invite the same or even more severe scrutiny as above, e.g. Criminal Checks (CRB).
- If I present any of the qualifications or accreditation’s that I have achieved the same thing will happen. My name is there to be Googled.
- If I fill in any membership forms, use my debit card, write a cheque, present photo ID – anything I do will contain my name and invite further scrutiny.
Paul countered that there was an option to change name, thereby minimising the risk of exposure, and again I can’t argue with his logic. However, I am not keen on changing my name, it’s a personal thing.
It is my belief that I cannot change the facts of my life by changing my name. Hiding my identity seems a bit evasive, deceptive and even cowardly to me. Not only that, but I would have to hide a lot of people that matter to me (or at least rope them into my deception) and write off a lifetime’s worth of achievements. I am guilty of my crime and I was given a Life Sentence, even after my parole I should be serving that sentence.
Furthermore, I believe that the truth will out at some stage regardless of the precautions that we take. With our old friend social media and the friends of friends / 6 degrees of separation logic, at some stage somebody will see a Facebook photo and tag me. I would hate to live my life watching over my shoulder, to feel like Damocles knowing that a sword will drop at some point.
And that is where Paul and I really pressed each other. Is it better to get our conviction out in the open from Day 1 or wait until later?
It is my belief that I would be best to declare who I am and explain that I have been released from prison on parole after a murder conviction. If I end up working in a factory with 500 other employees I would keep myself to myself – I’m not talking about getting on a PA system or putting up flyers. But if I were working in a smaller shop or office environment I think it would be the best course of action. I would feel more comfortable if everybody knew and perhaps more importantly, if they knew that I know that they know.
In that environment my work colleagues might be more inclined to ask questions, to try to understand the events leading up to my crime, the prison process and why I had been granted parole. The outcome might be that my peers would accept me more or that they would be disgusted and offended – they would be entitled to react however they wished. But at least I wouldn’t be blindsided by somebody finding out. That was the final point I made to Paul.
I asked what he expected would happen if one of his work colleagues found out about his conviction and told the rest of the team. Would they be inclined to shrug it off and say that:
- they had known him for a while and he seemed to be a changed man?
- they should have been warned that they had a convicted murderer working with them.
- they should ask him for his side of the story.
- they should refuse to work with him.
If I were in Paul’s shoes I would be concerned that my peers would be afraid to broach the subject with me which would leave them to draw their own conclusions. I would also be concerned that they might misunderstand my desire for privacy and assume that I had been concealing my crime out of some twisted plot? From my own experience I know that it is very hard to redeem trust when something has been found out rather than revealed.
But Paul countered that I might not ever find myself in a position when I get to answer the questions of my work colleagues. As he rightly pointed out, if I were to declare my conviction on an application letter or CV, is it even remotely likely that an employer would invite me for an interview? Would I not be sabotaging my own prospects before they even became slight chances?
We finished our chat and were both perhaps a little less assured, but at least we are preparing for the reality that we will face on our parole. I know that I can speak for Paul when I say that we don’t expect anybody to feel sorry for us. We are both guilty of the most heinous crime. But a Life sentence does not finish when parole is granted. Our liberty is temporary, conditional and greatly restricted.
[1] Mandatory Lifer – a Life sentence is mandatory for anybody convicted of murder.
