Deadpool made me touch myself

It’s amazing what you can find on the extras of a DVD. Here’s an article I did inspired by the Ryan Reynolds character and some advice he gave.

Deadpool made me touch myself – Text only version:

GOOD FOR YOUR TESTICULAR HEALTH!

I had seen the ‘Deadpool’ movie before, but when I saw the trailers for the sequel I was a bit gutted. Being in prison meant that I would be waiting a while to see it. But rather than just moan about it I decided to visit the library and get the original movie again. In fairness, it was as good the second time around and I was a happy camper again. But rather than just eject the disc and move on I decided to give the extras a quick look. I never predicted that they would lead me on a mini-adventure of my own!

Among the trailers and behind the scenes stuff, there were a section of clips called ‘Touch yourself tonight.’ Not sure what to expect, I clicked the remote and watched.

I was not expecting to see Mr Deadpool giving advice on how to self-examine in order to check for testicular cancer – but that was the gist of the feature. What can I say? I was both curious and intrigued! I covered the flap on the cell door temporarily (although I would have loved to explain what I was doing if I had been given an IEP) and followed the instructions on the TV. All went to plan on the left hand side, but when I moved to the right I got a bit of a fright. After a few more checks I reasoned that my right nut had either spawned a mini-me type clone or there was a lump that was bigger than a pea but smaller than a grape.

I figured it was just some form of DVD induced hypochondria. But after my shower the next day it was still there. This wee malevolent thing floating around beneath & behind my left dangle-berry. Two days later it was still there, a week later the same. It had gotten to the stage where I was sure it was growing when I finally accepted that it wasn’t going away of its own accord. I knew that I would have to get it sorted. God I wished I wasn’t in prison for this!

I filled in a confidential access application to the healthcare department. I had been hearing how some lads had been waiting weeks to see a doctor and was expecting the worst. But I was surprised when I received a slip with an appointment – I would be seeing the doctor 7 days after I sent the app.

I was nervous going to the doctor – let’s face it, it’s not exactly an ideal situation, but when I went for the appointment I described what had happened. The doctor explained that we would need a chaperone and before my exam we were joined by a nurse. Then came the three deep breaths and the moment of truth, down came the boxers!

In one way I was glad when the doctor found the lump and agreed it was worth checking out. I felt like less of a fool. She also told me that 95% of lumps are harmless – but I was sure that I would be in the 5%. In the end she felt it worthwhile to refer me to a urologist to be certain.

Again, I have heard the horror stories of lads waiting months to have outside appointments, so I was surprised when two staff came for me less than three weeks later. I was whisked off to Salisbury for another examination. Within 5 minutes of meeting the urologist I was sat back down and getting good news. He was 99% certain that it was harmless, either a cyst or some fatty tissue. He explained one thing that resonated with me. If the lump is attached to one of the testicles there is a greater chance that it could be a problem. If the lump can be moved independently from the testicle there is a far smaller risk, i.e. when a lump is found in the scrotum it is usually benign. But the doctor still maintained that every abnormal lump should be checked out – leave nothing to chance!

My final appointment was two weeks later in Salisbury’s Radiology department. It was here that an ultrasound scan confirmed that I had nothing to worry about. So what’s the moral of the story? Well there are a few.