As I become more assertive I fear I am also becoming increasingly curmudgeonly. That I am more irritable, or people are more irritating is debatable. But either way, I am finding people to be, on the whole, more irksome.
I find it hard to feign sympathy for whiners. It is not that they are whining per say, it is more the fact that they seem to enjoy the whine. When I have tried to offer a suggestion on how they might improve their lot it usually only serves to irritate them. For example:
Bloke on wing:
“It’s shit, my Offender Supervisor is refusing to support my application for a Home Leave so I can spend a few days away from the prison with my family.”
ME:
“Well have you thought about staying off drugs and getting out of bed to go to an activity during the day? That might help your case.”
Bloke on wing: “Yeah, what would you know? Snitch!”
In actual fact, here’s how the conversation should go.
Bloke on wing:
“It’s shit, my Offender Supervisor is refusing to support my application for a Home Leave so I can spend a few days away from the prison with my family.”
Other bloke:
“I know mate. They’re bang out of order. Snobs born with a silver spoon in their mouth trying to control us.”
Bloke on wing:
“Just cos they went to University they think they know about my life! You can’t learn the shit I know from a book. Let them grow up where I did and see how fancy they are.”
Other bloke:
“You know it’s a conspiracy don’t you? They need to keep us in here because they make so much money off of us!”
Bloke on wing:
“Yes lad! See that’s why I refuse to play ball with them. I’m making them work for their money. Let’s get stoned!”
And I think that is the problem. I can’t bear to talk shite anymore. I had to suffer it in closed conditions, but now, when I am seriously building towards my release I can’t play at prison anymore. I feel it is a matter of personal responsibility – one of the Governors here recently observed that “We didn’t trick you into coming here lads – you all volunteered one way or another.”
I’ve said it before, there are two types of lad in here (apart from the genuinely innocent and stitched up ones). Those that regret what they have done and those that merely regret having been caught. The latter are past masters of asking questions of like-minded individuals or asking the same question of different people until they get the answer that they want. I first experienced this type of cognitive bias when I attended a Victim Awareness programme some year’s back.
One exercise involved us reflecting on the direct and tangential victims of our crimes. In my case the numbers affected by my crime were almost indeterminate, it was humbling. The guy who went after me initially claimed he had no victims. He only sold cannabis and a bit of whizz (speed) which should be legal anyway, so it wasn’t really a crime. But the programme facilitators persevered with him. They took him aside and eventually after much persuasion he presented his list of victims. He explained:
“All the people I sold drugs to are the victims here. When I sold them drugs I gave them big fat deals. But now they are getting ripped off by dealers giving them shitty deals instead. And the kids, the kids are victims too. I never let anybody under 15 deal drugs for me, but now you have kids 13 and 14 carrying drugs. And all because I got locked up here – so really, I am the biggest victim of anybody.”
Nowadays I keep to myself and I tend to say nothing rather than risk saying something that people don’t want to hear. But my successes are an irritant to them. Some call me a snob, some a screw boy and others a snitch. In prison, life is often viewed as a zero-sum game. Logic dictates that in order for me to gain something, another person must lose that something. In Dublin many years ago I overheard a conversation where a lad actually said, “Do you know, if it wasn’t for all of them [racial slur], I could have had one of them posh doctor jobs.” Following that logic, if I have achieved a qualification, it’s only because I deprived somebody else of the opportunity. It is this attitude that allows some to find external causes for their misfortunes rather than take personal responsibility for their choices.
I’m afraid that their opinions are not important enough for me to worry about changing them. I can’t be bothered to battle such intransigently held beliefs. Our paths will be diverging permanently in the near future. Drop me right out lads.
