<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHow can you be so calm?\u201d, The Furious One asked me. It was the evening before my parole hearing and Furious is a great sounding board. He looks a bit like Michael Stipe from REM and goes from zero to \u2018toys out of the pram\u2019 quicker than Donald Trump tweets, but in a harmless, \u2018ranty\u2019 kind of way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I was feeling remarkably calm – it wasn\u2019t just a front, but ironically my own sense of calmness was making me feel uneasy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMy head would be spinning if I was in your shoes Moose\u201d, Furious continued. \u201cDo you not see the significance of this? Your whole sentence, every minute from day one until now has been building up to this hearing. Just a few hours will decide what happens for the rest of your life – and you\u2019re just shrugging your shoulders? I just don\u2019t get it!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI think it\u2019s because I don\u2019t have to remember the story – that\u2019s why I\u2019m calm. I only have to speak the truth and answer the questions honestly. I\u2019ve not been denying anything Furious, I\u2019ve got nothing to hide. I\u2019m not worried that they might find out something new – they know it all. It\u2019s also not as if I\u2019m thinking that they might ask a question that I haven\u2019t prepared for. I had years of talking through everything with my offender supervisor\u2019s, psychologists and course facilitators.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSurely you have to be worried up, at some level?\u201d, Furious is a couple of years away from his own parole hearing and has made no bones about the fact that I was his \u2018Hamm\u2019, named after the chimp that NASA fired into space to test the mercury rockets.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The hearing was a little over 12 hours away. I had a decade of work behind me. I was prepared. I knew that I was worried at some deeper level, but I also knew that worrying wasn\u2019t really going to do me any good. If I hadn\u2019t put the work in before now that there would have been little hope for me. It would have been like me opening my textbook the day before an exam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We parted ways and I went looking for The Fish. I am a man of many skills and talents, but ironing is not one of them. In prison I learnt that squaddies are the best men with an iron, most of them find it therapeutic where I find it exasperating. The Fish is a hell of a man and a squaddie par excellence. His hearing is a year away, and like Furious, I\u2019m the Fishes space monkey. He answers his cell door and sees me with my shirt on my shoulder. His broken nose wrinkles as he smiles, nods and we head for the ironing board in the association room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThis time tomorrow it\u2019ll all be behind you boy!\u201d, he told me in his Welsh accent while he ironed. \u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m okay all things considered. Nothing else I can do now!\u201d, I replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhen you\u2019ve done everything that you can now. I don\u2019t think you could have made a better case for yourself so one way or another, when you leave the hearing tomorrow you can be at peace. Anyway, I\u2019m rooting for you to get – because if you don\u2019t get it then I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll even bother going to mine!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He handed me my shirt as we parted – God bless the squaddies – and I went back to my cell. I prepared all of my paperwork, my dossier, glasses, notepads and multiple pens then double checked everything before I put them in my bag on the back of my cell door ready for the morning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had a number of visitors during the evening wishing me good luck and after road checked the last man I saw was Big Willie. This is the guy I work with every day, well bred, spoken and heeled. His refined demeanour conceals the mischievous nature that lurks under the surface of a posh veneer. With steely grey hair and neatly coiffured beard under his aquiline nose if you saw him at an ancient Roman orgy you know he would be the guy with the gold laurel wreath in a bath of larks tongues being tended to by buxom slaves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSo Moose, after the hearing, will they just laugh directly in your face or will they deliver the knock back by post?\u201d, my dear friend enquired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell seeing as it\u2019s being held over the phone due to the Covid lockdown I expect that they will mute the speaker at their end while they laugh uproariously.\u201d, I replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAnd quite right too! There is no \u00e9lan in hawking down at those below one\u2019s own exalted station. Ah well, I find it reassuring that the lower classes are being given the illusion of due process. Night night!\u201d. Thank God for Big Willy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After a little bit of TV, I went to bed at the usual hour and fell asleep in the usual manner. Still calm. I woke up unremarkably and carried out my ablutions without incident. The countdown was now 2 hours and I was still calm. I had my breakfast in the association room while chatting to a few of the early risers. After a shower and shave I went back to my cell where I got dressed, smart shoes, trousers and a militarily ironed shirt. The parole board wouldn\u2019t see me, the hearing was by phone, but I felt that the process deserves respect. Look professional, feel professional – take the process seriously. I checked myself in the mirror – all good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
With 10 minutes to go before I was to be collected from the wing I figured I should use the bathroom. I walked along the corridor and as I came to the shared toilets I could scarcely believe my eyes. Stood by the sink was Big Willy – in his hand was a knob – a shiny knob from a tap. That tap was gushing water into the air like a geyser.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAh! Good morning Moose!\u201d, said Big Willy, \u201cI seem to be having a bit of bother with my plumbing?! You couldn\u2019t lend a hand could you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This has to rate as one of the most surreal moments of my life. I just knew how the gods had scripted this to play out. I was meant to help Big Willy and in the process get soaked – at the very least in the groinal area, if not head to toe. As if reading my mind Big Willy added, \u201cAt least I\u2019ve caught you before you made yourself presentable for the parole board!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I couldn\u2019t help but smile, but I walked past Big Willy, emptied my bladder and washed my hands – at a different sink. When I left I went to the office and told the Kanga on duty \u2013 \u201cBig Willy is in the bathroom smashing the place up. You\u2019d better get onto it!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On seeing the confusion on the Kangas face I deemed myself happy with my work. I collected my bag and coat and headed for the unit\u2019s reception area in perfect time to be collected by my offender supervisor. \u201cOne off, Gov!\u201d I declared as we headed for the Offender Management Unit (OMU), where my hearing was due to take place. We made small talk as we walked and on arrival I sat in the OMU lobby. I was still remarkably calm. I noticed a screen that I had been seeing periodically for more than 5 years in this prison – I had often wondered when it would apply to me \u2013 \u2018Quiet please! Parole hearing in progress!\u2019. Today would be the day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
10 minutes to go and I was still calm. My offender supervisor gave me the nod and we went into the conference room for our socially distant hearing. We sat at opposite ends of the room where up to 8 people could usually be gathered for hearings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019ll dial into the conference call and we will wait for the parole board panel members and your community based probation officer to join.\u201d She pressed a button on the conference call machine and I heard the dial tone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My heart rate accelerated and my chest started to tighten. It was like my calm had literally been switched off. I forced my rib cage to open so I could draw long steady breaths. I breathed heavily as I heard other voices join the conference and start to introduce themselves. The panel chair open proceedings and said, \u201cThis is a closed hearing and as such it is forbidden to repeat any of the subjects discussed during the hearing, the names of the members of the hearing or anything that they say\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sorry guys.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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