While completing the Healthy Relationship Programme in prison I swore off relationships. I just saw imbalance and risk – if a future partner even made an allegation in temper I would be recalled – or the threat of an allegation could be coercive. It seemed practical and sensible to me – and anyway, I had killed my partner to end up in prison, so who in their right mind would date me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then I was paroled and made a significant observation. It wasn\u2019t relationships that were the problem, rather it was being in toxic relationships that had been the issue. Suddenly I was open to the prospect of meeting somebody, but with some major safeguarding in place. I reflected on the changes I had made in prison, the new skills and tools and checked out some dating apps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There are a few directions this blog could go, but suffice to say that after mishap and adventure I met somebody and I\u2019m in a relationship. Now when I came out of prison, with new skills and attitude I thought I had it together. I think it remarkable that I am still finding new perspectives daily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In past relationships I always tried to find the calm waters. I shied away from difficult conversations. They made me uncomfortable and acknowledging them would be to admit there were problems in the relationship. It was a short sighted view and this inactivity led to my killing my partner. One of the most tragic aspects of this is that a tiny amount of honesty and effort would have saved a life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In my current relationship my partner often asks, \u201cCan we talk about something pointy?\u201d This is code for \u201cThere\u2019s something causing me concern.\u201d What I appreciate most is there is no demand, no expectation that we must talk it out there and then. Rather, can we make some time and space to have a conversation. I like these pointy conversations very much. And here\u2019s why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I used to think that my partner expressing concerns was criticism, that I was failing. But now, I see raising concerns as risk assessing – she is future proofing our relationship. It tells me that she is invested in our future and wants us to be aware of potential pitfalls! It shows she cares deeply.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But it\u2019s not always easy. My partner asks some pretty tough questions. She asked me if I reminded her of the woman I killed. She asked if I was gaslighting her – or if I was gaslighting myself. She asked if I still get angry. She asked if I\u2019m narcissistic. She has asked about previous relationships and behaviours. I have been an emotionally stunted, people pleasing, narcissistic, passive aggressive awfuliser. A perpetually put upon victim. And this is key – I HAVE <\/em><\/strong>been these things. For my partner, she is assured because I have identified that I have these traits and that I have effected (and evidenced) real and lasting changes to my behaviours and my beliefs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My partner has read this entire blog, my sentencing comments, my parole dossier, my direction for release and my licence conditions. She has employed a forensic approach when asking pointy questions and I welcome it. She challenges me to examine myself and to ensure that I am not becoming complacent. I wouldn\u2019t have it any other way. If there is an area of discomfort I face in to it now. I know the consequence of apathy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" While completing the Healthy Relationship Programme in prison I swore<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1899,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[530,529,528,386],"class_list":["post-2184","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-reflections","tag-communication-skills","tag-empathy","tag-healthy-relationships","tag-rehabilitation"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2184","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2184"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2184\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2185,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2184\/revisions\/2185"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1899"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2184"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2184"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2184"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}