Ah Milton Keynes\u2026 it\u2019s actually a place! And the root of much trauma for me. I was abandoned there, and although it\u2019s a painful memory for me, I\u2019m going to share it with you. There\u2019s a lesson (isn\u2019t there always?).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I had been on dating apps and had a couple of dates. I\u2019m not a drinker and I wasn\u2019t after anything casual – so it was mostly coffees, walks, galleries and the like. All very pleasant – but nothing that would have made me make any disclosure – let me explain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had killed my partner before I went to prison. Aside from it being morally right and proper, it\u2019s a licence condition that I must tell probation if I am starting or ending any intimate relationships. But at what point does a relationship become intimate? At which point do I tell somebody about my crime? There was no clear cut definition from probation, so I relied on my own judgment. I decided that any potential partner would need to know before we slept together, that was for sure. Then I reasoned that on date number 2 (if there was one) would be the time I would have to start The Conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, by this time there had been no date 2 and therefore no date 3. I had told a couple of dates that I had been to prison – there were various reasons. Either I just wasn\u2019t in to them and I figured it would be an easy way to exit the date. Or I wasn\u2019t in to them as a partner, but there was a level of discourse that could be achieved by sharing my past in order to share a reflective experience. But in principle, I was cagey about telling people I had committed a murder. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then I started chatting to a girl who lived in Milton Keynes (MK). We had good chemistry and good humour. We spoke at a fair depth about relationships, wants, ambitions and the like. We agreed to meet for a date. She suggested a Sunday morning at a park near MK – I explained that I didn\u2019t drive, no problem said she, we could meet at the bus depot and head for a coffee then a walk. That seemed OK – but MK was a trek for me. We were on the phone one evening beforehand and I said I needed to tell her something. I said that it might make a big difference to her wanting to meet me. She interrupted me and told me that she also had something to tell me, that some potential partners had found difficult. But she insisted that we not ruin the moment – we should meet in person and then talk things through. I allowed myself to be talked in to this – I didn\u2019t listen to my instincts. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So Sunday morning I make the 2 hour commute to MK and sure enough she meets me at the bus depot. We drive a few miles to a coffee shop – she has her wee Yorkshire Terrier with her. We have a coffee and a chat, the dog likes me – all is good. We jump back in the car and head to the park & lake. We head off around the path and after 5 minutes I pointed out that all was going well – but we needed to have The Conversation. She asked if she could go first. I motioned for her to carry on and she explained \u2018I work with the police.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well how do you like that? Now I\u2019m not anti-police as such. Im not one for generalising. I\u2019m anti-wanker – but that extends to all walks of life. But in this case, her working for the police would mean she would have to declare our relationship – and that would not be approved. She must have read my face, because she said \u201cYou\u2019re going to tell me that you\u2019ve been to prison, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat\u2019s why I wanted to have this conversation with you before meeting up.\u201d I replied. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell, what was your offence? How long ago was it? Maybe it doesn\u2019t have to be declared?\u201d She was hopeful. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh it\u2019s declarable\u201d I said \u201cI killed somebody.\u201d I think I was shook, else wise I wouldn\u2019t have been quite so blunt. But she took a sharp step backwards and brought a hand to her chest. \u201cBut you don\u2019t look like you could do that\u2026\u201d I could see her head spinning. I\u2019ve since reflected and it must be unnerving for somebody to be in that position, that their instincts haven\u2019t picked up on that? Like the people who smile and thank me if I offer them a seat on a bus or hold open a door. If only they knew\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But anyway, the girl was shocked – but her wee dog kept demanding attention from me – he didn\u2019t care. I thought I should speak. \u201cWould it be easier for you if I got a taxi back to the bus depot?\u201d I asked assuming she would say it\u2019s fine, she\u2019d drop me back. How wrong was I?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYes\u201d that\u2019s all she said. I apologised and turned to head back to the car park. I started to Google taxis and dial numbers. There were zero taxis in this area on a Sunday morning. Oops! I got the old maps up and sought directions – 4.5 miles!!!! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The headphones went in and I started walking. All in all it was a 9 hour round trip to be abandoned in MK! But there was a great lesson here. Something that I have embraced ever since. Listen to my instincts and have the difficult conversation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Three days after being abandoned I had what has been my final first date. On that date I told her that I had been to prison for more than 10 years. That it wasn\u2019t for parking fines. I told her that if we met again I would tell her everything. She actually smiled as she said, that she appreciated my being upfront. She also said it made sense now that somebody as tall, good-looking, charming, talented, attentive and intelligent was single. OK – she may not have said any of that – but she did say it made sense why I had been single for 12 years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On date number 2 I told her about my offence and how I had changed. I told her about this blog and that I would answer any questions that she had. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was terrifying for both of us. But there was one upside. I had told her the very worst of me, the lowest part of me. After that, I had nothing I ever needed to lie about. Since then, when there is something challenging to speak about, we make the time and lean in to it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We have \u2018Pointy\u2019 conversations – and I\u2019ll share some of those in the future. But the old me would have steered away from topics that were difficult or might weaken my relationship – when in fact, papering over the cracks and burying my head in the sand should have been the warning that the relationship was ultimately doomed. This guy, today, runs towards the problems to face up to them. The more that we have done so, the stronger we have become. We have two simple rules, we don\u2019t lie to each other and we don\u2019t withhold our feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ironically, my partner and I went to Milton Keynes for her works Christmas Party – and I wasn\u2019t abandoned. She fixed my trauma! <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Ah Milton Keynes\u2026 it\u2019s actually a place! And the root<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1881,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[125,283,369,386],"class_list":["post-1882","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parole","tag-dating","tag-milton-keynes","tag-probation","tag-rehabilitation"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1882","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1882"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1882\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2082,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1882\/revisions\/2082"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1881"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1882"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1882"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jailhousemoose.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1882"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}